Living in the Way

The Flip Side of Faith

Katherine Albin, M.A., L.P.C.C.

You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness. In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale a wall. Psalm 18:28-29

When I was 12 years old, I began keeping a diary. I recall being inspired by The Diary of Anne Frank. At first my writing was simply an accounting of events through the eyes of a typical, immature 12-year-old—not nearly as thoughtful and sophisticated as the young Anne Frank! As I grew older, my diary evolved more into a processing place for my moods. However, anyone reading it would assume that I was completely miserable, as I tended to write only when I was feeling gloomy. After I wrote I felt purged and refreshed; but I rarely recorded the happier moods that ensued.

Lately in the media we have been hearing about some of Mother Teresa’s writings, those that expose her serious doubts about her faith. These doubts were not short-lived; she in fact experienced them much through her life, though continuing to work selflessly to help the disadvantaged. The reaction we’re supposed to have is shock, disbelief, and perhaps a good shake to our own faith; even questioning whether the person we considered a saint was just putting on an act.

I sincerely doubt that. Though my first reaction was somewhat the “expected one,” later I thought, So?! That’s why it’s called a faith journey! Cross of Hope regularly spotlights some brave soul’s faith journey. This is truly one of my favorite things this church does; each journey helps us all feel a bit more normal! Anyone who has been on this road for any length of time knows that we don’t always feel spiritual and we certainly don’t always act like it. Sometimes we feel like God has abandoned us and that our prayers make no difference. Suffering can last a very, very long time. In those times, we can’t help but feeling like giving up on faith.

Then we hear a sermon, when the pastor is speaking directly to us. Someone else says just the right thing for us to hear at the time. We discover some financial or other relief that seems to happen just when we need it. We read something that provides just the answers we’ve been searching for. We hear about someone’s struggle that is just like ours. Like Mother Teresa’s! Those seeming coincidences are really evidence that God is with us and for us, all the time. He is always working through people and circumstances; and sometimes we are the ones through whom He is working, to help someone else.

That’s the way I think it was with Mother Teresa. She was always His hands and ears, helping those in need—even when she herself was feeling empty and alone, not feeling the presence of God working through her. I have read that Mother Teresa actually wanted her writings to be destroyed; obviously, she did not want others to know the doubt and darkness that she suffered. She did not want to spread her doubt and lack of faith: that wasn’t the point of her writing.

I believe her writing was simply a forum to work through the natural ebb and flow of her thoughts and feelings. Writing was a place where she could completely be herself—her very human, natural self. Even Jesus, who was truly one of us, wondered if God had abandoned him, as he faced his death on the cross. And Jesus often went by himself to pray, or just to be far away from everyone; surely the times he spent by himself were not always times of peace for him but were necessary for his own mental and spiritual health.

So if writing is a way for you to work out your dark moods, good! Better to work them out on paper, then leave them there! As a counselor, I believe it is important for people to admit—if only to themselves—how they are truly feeling. I have to resist my temptation sometimes to quickly help someone solve a problem or to think a different way. More often than not, I witness a transformation that happens right in front of me, or at least soon after, when people are simply allowed the freedom to express themselves. It seems to be a necessary process; most people will feel better if they allow that process to naturally unfold. Anyone can provide the space for that to happen, simply by listening.

Feeling is our instrument, the thing that makes us human, and spiritual. We have to experience the range in order to get the full effect. And sometimes that means we don’t feel all that great, and sometimes life just isn’t that great. And sometimes we just have to face and admit it. So I am not shaken by Mother Teresa’s doubting moments, nor the fact that there were so many for so long. Her writing was simply the flip side, not intended for others to see, but apparently a necessary process for her to do the work she was called to do. Perhaps the abundance of her darkness simply was in proportion to the light she showed to the world. The real focus is on how she lived her life; that should be our focus, too. But sometimes we have to stop and acknowledge our human, darker side before we are ready to see the light. Dear God, thank you for our times of darkness and blindness so we can truly appreciate the contrast of Your holy light, always present when we are ready to see.