Living In The Way

The Blessing of a Relationship

By Katherine Albin, M.A., L.P.C.C.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? — Luke 6:41

The images of Christmas have been everywhere, showing up right on the heels of Halloween. Thanksgiving is practically overlooked. But I love Thanksgiving. It prompts me to stop and remember what is really important.

I am particularly thankful for relationships, especially the gift of marriage. This is truly my safe haven, where I can be completely myself, flaws and all. Those of you who are married and can relate to this, I am very happy for you, for you truly have a gift from God. However, I know that not all marriages can be considered “safe havens.” Some are wrought with disappointment, hurt, loneliness, and even despair. Others are simply existing, without nourishment for either partner. Nothing is much more tragic than a union that begins with so much promise and joy and later descends into a relationship neither partner could have anticipated.

Or could they? John Gottman, author of one of my favorite books on the topic of marriage, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (1994), is famous for his research on 2,000 couples and predicting with 94% percent accuracy which marriages will end and which will not. This is an astounding statistic. In working with couples over the years, and being married myself for quite a few (29!—do I look that old?), I can attest that the benchmarks Gottman measures for his prediction are very convincing. His work was recently reviewed in the September/October 2006 edition of Psychotherapy Networker by Katy Butler, “The Art & Science of Love.” Since I was refreshed on how helpful Gottman’s work has been, I wanted to share a brief overview.

Basically, good marriages have as their backdrop a “culture of appreciation.” The relationship is founded upon genuine friendship; the couple assumes the best of each other rather than the worst. Gottman—originally trained as a mathematician, then as a psychologist—has found some very specific formulas within the interactions of successful versus unsuccessful couples. When fighting, there is a five-to-one ratio of positive remarks or gestures for every negative; when not fighting, there is a 20-to-one ratio. Amazing! Are you counting? Well, you should be! Also very helpful are Gottman’s warning signs, or what he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”:

(1) Criticism. Attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—usually with blame.
(2) Contempt. Intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.
(3) Defensiveness. Self-explanatory; but Gottman outlines nine different forms if you want to read his book yourself!
(4) Stonewalling. Not responding at all.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You can quickly identify what your partner is doing wrong in your marriage. And you may very well be right. But the harder and much more uncomfortable task is to see your own part. Gottman gives us some very useful measuring sticks, and even some mathematical formulas for digging ourselves out! And I believe these can be relevant to any relationship—parent-child, sibling, and work.

One particular blessing of being married a long time is that you don’t fight as often or as furiously as in your earlier married days. Recently I had a young couple in my office. They were doing very well during the first phase of the counseling, in which I explored with them their couple strengths and the foundation of friendship in their marriage. But when we moved to the next phase, identifying and rank ordering their problem or “growth areas,” the couple practically became different people. Their discussion quickly became a heated contest, as they each pointed out to the other how wrong/bad they were. And, of course, neither accepted the other’s assessment. No one wanted to accept blame—or a better word is responsibility—for any part, especially when the other was trying so vehemently to point it out.

But Jesus has the answer for us, as He always does. He wants us to look at our own part before pointing out to someone else theirs. Usually, when we do this, there is no need to point out anything about the other person. Besides, no one wants to feel blamed or criticized; much better to do our own inventory and be a model to the other person. This is more likely to inspire and motivate them to interact with us in more positive ways.

Having that young couple in my office reminded me, once again, how blessed I am in my own marriage. Thank God we don’t fight like that anymore! But it wasn’t just time that provided the blessing. It has been God working here all along, showing us what to pay attention to, what to discard, and what to receive. Receiving Him into our marriage is what has made the difference.

Dear God, thank you for the blessing of all relationships, especially the one we have with You.